How Does It Feel To Live?
Its lid falls from my fingertips and I crawl over an edge with the frenzy of a lizard set free. Warmth surges my eyes, responding to the intensity of light after darkness.
I wonder, “How long was I asleep?”.
On the floor are scattered, piles of my innermost self, heaps of identity strewn with abandon.
These departures are often unforeseen.
No less, my mind cradles a blank space preceding hibernation; as if to reject any capacity for retention before the big sleep. All I recall is a series of downs: when downturned shoulders and lowered eyes meet lethargy and the reservation of sound. And so, I cease to exist through my sadness.
The box has gone and for now, I am free. When the time is right it will find me.
Life itself is floating. Between states, which is reality? And where do I find ‘happy’?
Ever encouraging, I preach to myself: empty space is not empty! Even as the wormhole, sucking light into the void, one must believe in more than madness. There must be.
Life, again, a biographical show led by wants and needs — the craving of fiends. To what purpose serves these?
A thoughtless fog carries me, separating my body from my mental grief. And in this moment, I feel free. To float, to fast, to scheme. To navigate life automatically.
In my mind, I weep for The Master of One who weeps not for herself. Crystalline tears dwell in her eyes and at times they hang from her lashes. Always around, but ever unfound.
Because the show must go on. And even when what I feel is wrong, she directs me. Assuring that in time there’ll be more that excites me. Through regrets she stays with me because, “you deserve to be strong and you deserve to live long, as loud as you can”.
She empowers me to trim my dead ends. Never accept less. No matter that life feels more real unalone. Through these choices she holds me, carving a cast iron smile, and I careen towards a prosperous life.
I am indebted to her: for carrying me through the lows and leaving me to flourish through the highs. She is with me until it is time for the master of one to be mastered by none once again.
This is how it feels to live my life.
