At 23, Here’s What I’ve Learned About Love
A year ago, I was rebounding from an unhealthy situation where I craved validation from an uncaring partner who needed me for company as much as I needed him for sex. I found myself in compromising situations as a result of my relationship with him, and this is a pattern I’ve found myself repeating with other men over the course of my life.
He didn’t mark the beginning of my unhealthy romantic trajectory, but our situation set the tone for the rest of my post-college intimate relationships. I would let someone in with no thoughts of commitment, and then subconsciously wrap them up in my mind until they became the greatest importance, over my friends and my favorite things.
I had never intentionally sought relationships to supplement my life, and in doing so, I attracted relationships that distracted & detracted. I was drawn to men who couldn’t promise me tomorrow because I had little faith in which future I may want. Of course, no one dreams to be unwanted, but sometimes being needed is enough.
I’ve grown tired of seeing my life’s orbit diverge from it’s path whenever a new partner walks into my life. Tired of the risks I take for those who promise me little to nothing at all. Tired of putting myself in the path of pain, and being surprised when I get hurt.
At this point, my mind is wired for tragedy. I always have a sinking feeling that everything I love is seconds away from being just out of reach. I have not processed all of the pain from my past, so it haunts me. But I’m also not sure what this processing should be.
Do I sit down with some figurative god (counselor, healer, friend) and discuss my failures dealing in romance and depression? Spell out every wrong I have invited? Seems redundant to me, I know how and why I’ve failed myself.
I saw a quote recently; it said, “let go of chaos even if it is comfortable” or something to that effect, and those words have stuck with me. Not because I think chaos is attractive, but because I know it is what I am.
I am the chaos that is so enticing. When I am not, I find it and absorb its energy into myself. Maybe that’s why I’ve found myself in so many precarious relationships. Coming and going and coming again. Even if I’d wanted to break the cycle, my lack of intentionality caused me to fail.
Perhaps I can blame my first college boyfriend who refused to call himself just that. In fact, he was not my boyfriend. You can spend everyday with someone, sleep in their bed, comfort them and care for them — be the only honest person they have. This does not guarantee a thing.
Until your partner steps up and tells you what they want from you, why they are magnetized to you, there is no love in loyalty. It’s just stupid empty wannabe love.
Loyalty should come later. After love is voiced & proven; once you can feel it transforming your core. I know this now.
Today, I am safe and healthy and committed to change. I am tired of losing myself. I want my words to run freely, and my aspirations to run wild. I want to grow like wild grass. The earth holding my toes to its tongue and making me laugh.
I want to find love that holds me. I think I may have.
I want to take time with love. I do not want to be jealous in love.
I want to let go of my fears of the past.
I want to listen to what I am told and I want to trust it.
I want to fall so deeply that at the end, I can sit in the orchard and smile knowing I’ve tasted all the apples I can (another quote).
And I want to tell my children all the ways I was loved, the ways they were loved by their dad (whether these be babies, pups, or plants).
There is so much uncertainty in falling into love, and I thought I knew this before, but I’d never been there. I’d never been willing to build a life around another person, to really let someone in. Now I know, this is how it starts: with willingness and open hearts, when the possibilities for growth seem endless.
